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From a Loving Heart to Deaf Ears

I was an average child born into an average family in an average place. Were we perfect? No! We were a family, growing, evolving and learning. Our journey had mistakes but we also had great blessings. This is not a story about reliving what has been but rather an account of where I am now.

I am ill.

I am a woman who has become lost.  A woman whose mind has fantasized my way to a place of great anger and blame in the throngs of illness personal insight is lost and a victim position grows and develops. Facts turn gray and my delusions evolve into my new reality. God help us all, I believe in the darkness with all my being. This is not a new phenomena as it has become far less painful and easier to live and believe in my new thoughts than to muster the insight to self examine. The lack of capacity to reach out…..to know that I am sinking, I’m distorted, I’m panicking, making bad decisions, raging, alienating, self harming, obsessing…..drowning.

This is not the saddest part of my story. The saddest part is the enablers. The people who don’t love me enough to see the distress. Don’t love me and know me enough to see the downward spiral. Don’t look past the lies and the mania and my outrageous behavior to dig down to the truth no matter how painful it may be. They refuse to examine the reality and differentiate between truth and the delusions. Maybe it scares them. My enablers, unknowingly perhaps, promote and support the illness. They fuel and encourage the anger. Do they not care enough to see me? See me struggle. To see requires energy, self examination, hard choices and personal inconvenience. To see requires searching through the fabrications, asking uncomfortable questions and holding me accountable. To impose rules of conduct and consequences. To stick to these standards through the anger and the criticism. Some find it easier to appease me avoiding conflict and just support my irrational positions.  Maybe they can go home and feel better about themselves. Less screwed up than me. Maybe they can feel, if only for a few minutes, that they parented better than my parents.

If my illness could write a letter, it would read as follows.

To those who truly love me,

Call me out on my bullshit. Love me enough to let me hit bottom. Don’t love me from a place of guilt but from a place of strength. Be strong enough to say NO. Strong enough to say, UNACCEPTABLE. Strong enough to say, I will NOT enable you for 1 day, 1 dollar or 1 more excuse. Love me enough not to feed my delusions or fear my reactions. Love me enough not to validate my darkness. Love me enough not to approve of my behavior. Love me enough to say, it ends today and my Lord above, mean it! For on that day when I can no longer find anybody to help me live in my fantasy, nobody to fuel the madness, nobody to ease the pressure, nobody to handle my responsibilities…..Maybe, just maybe, I will be forced to seek help.

 

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What Can I Do Today To Make Your Life Better?

I think, like most people, I get up each morning to try and make someone else’s life better. Ease a burden or put a smile on someone’s face. So forgive me if I don’t understand Mrs. Notley’s thought process. I clearly understand that the world’s oil crisis is not of her making. What I can’t seem to wrap my head around is her ambivalence to the severity of her neighbors suffering. Whether we are for her or against her, the point remains she represents us. It is her job and moral obligation to ease the burden of her people, the Alberta people. It is her job to get up every morning and deal with the harsh realities of how to take this horrendous situation and do everything in her power to lighten the load. She asked for the job, she ran a campaign for the job and she got the job so I have no sympathy for the tough role she finds herself in.  Somehow Saskatchewan is holding their own. Wouldn’t we want to take at very close look at that leadership? What could we be listening and learning from them?

Dramatic changes are sometimes necessary, but timing is everything. If your house is burning down it may not be the best time to worry about dirty dishes in your kitchen sink. What I am trying to relay is take your biggest problem and deal with or at least mitigate that. We all do this in our personal lives daily. If you don’t have the money to buy a loaf of bread it’s probably not the best day to go shopping for a new blouse. Common Sense. Rachel, sweetheart, our house is burning down and many can’t buy bread. Ideas you may have, ideologies you may hold dear, may or may not be a step in a good direction but now is not the time.

There has been a lot of attention to politicians being bullied. I certainly don’t condone bad behavior but can you not feel the extreme frustration. There is nothing worse for a person than the feeling of not being heard, not feeling that the powers that be are fighting tooth and nail for today’s biggest issues. Just a thought but talk to the big boys in Calgary and ask one question, “What can I do today to help?” Then do that. It’s a start.

Before I Die You Need To Know

You matter! You’ve always mattered! You have always inspired me to be a better person. A thoughtful and accepting person. You have one of the most generous spirits walking this earth. You have taught me to accept nothing less than decency from people.

When you are quiet, you’re not disinterested, you’re listening, you’re learning or you’re looking for insight.

Your humor, oh, your humor is so unique, so raw, so honest and oh so refreshing. Seeing humor in ourselves and everyday stuff is so joyful. For you, humor is not something you seek but rather a state of mind. Your wit and perspective is an absolute delight.

You taught me to cherish our heritage as we are the culmination of all the souls that came before us. Their lessons and experiences are why we are who we are. You honor that fact.

You believe everything in life is good. It’s either pure goodness, a lesson or a reason to do things differently.

Fun! We’re suppose to have fun. It’s actually one of the few jobs we HAVE to do.

You epitomize living an honest, real life. Living with integrity equals living with few regrets.

You see the love of your family and friends as a privilege, not a given. You embrace and find pleasure in this fact.

To be in your life is equally such a privilege. The only requirement is to sit back, relax, enjoy the moments and maybe, just maybe, I’ll come away with a better understanding of being an honorable person.

With all of that, I know we’ll have fun, always so much fun!

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Mom

Hi Mom, it’s me. I’m not reaching out to tell you what is going on, because I believe you know. I just want to share. Mom, I’m scared. I need your insight with that ability to cal…

Source: Hi Mom

Hi Mom

Hi Mom, it’s me. I’m not reaching out to tell you what is going on, because I believe you know. I just want to share.

Mom, I’m scared. I need your insight with that ability to calmly reason. Life used to be so busy, days planned and full. Lines so straight and now they’re maniacally criss-crossed. I think we can agree I’ve never transitioned well. None of us do. We make a plan and we see it through. Asking why, seems to be a waste of time, what I really need to know is where to go. What are the determining factors as to when to take the bull by the horns, to trust or just to breathe?  Would we be better off if the whole plan was laid out before us, or is the unknown the point, the purpose of the journey? A crystal ball would be nice.

Mom, I’m blessed. I have you to thank for that. You made sure I was strong, held me accountable. As structured of a life as you enforced it was tempered with the need to enjoy the ride. Quick question, where’s the line?

Mom, there was a day, not so long ago I was angry with you as I felt you put so much emphasis on success you neglected to teach how to deal with adversity. It took me awhile but I get it now. You treat them the same. You move forward with intelligent decisions, grace and determination.

Mom, I want passion. I want excitement. I want health and happiness. I want to be kind.

Mom, I should probably just go ahead and do that. Good talk. Thanks.

Loving and Understanding

I have to say I’m against it. Stupid is stupid and perhaps we need to stop being so gentle and kind and just say it. I want to work in a complaint department for one day (which is about how long I would last) and genuinely help the people who have legitimate concerns and all the stupid people would automatically plunge down a hidden trap door placed in the floor in front of my desk. I want the descend lever to be large and have an overhead flashing red light with STUPID written on it so they know why the floor beneath them is disappearing. My theory is the next guy in line is going to rethink his problem before he opens his mouth and that my friend is called a WIN! Thinking things through seems to be a thing of the past. We are being conditioned to respect everyones actions and be tolerant of all opinions. Try to understand where they are coming from. Well they are coming from Stupid Town on the highway to Are You Kidding Me and somebody needs to give them directions. I have been told, by far nicer people than myself, that the proper procedure is to listen carefully and gently explain why their request is unreasonable…..or you could look them in the eye, save everybody a lot of time and say, “That is stupid, and you need to go home and reevaluate your life.”

I propose that all the normal people quit tolerating the stupid. Instead of our valuable time being spent trying to understand and accommodate the stupid we should implement a pre-think policy for all stupid people. We all know these people, they come into our businesses, or schools, recreational activities and clubs. They are idiots and everyone knows it except them. They are usually the most vocal, loudest and usually qualify their actions with, “I have a right to say what I think.” That would be true if what they had to say had even the slightest ring of intelligent thought, operative word being, intelligent. So back to my pre-think policy. I have developed a few questions we need to print onto cards and pass out. Let me be clear, it is not up to normal people to adapt to the stupid and unreasonable, we must turn the tide and make the stupid accountable for their own idiocy. The old, put the problem in the hands of the problem. So lets save ourselves a lot of time and frustration by simply stating to the morons of the world,

Before you waste my time and open your mouth to complain,

  1. Clearly and calmly define your issue.
  2. Why is your problem, my problem?
  3. What do you want as your outcome?
  4. What part of this complaint is your responsibility?                                                                                                                 So be warned, now that I am on the back side of 50 and looking for time saving opportunities, don’t bother me with nonsense because if it’s stupid then it’s going to be called stupid. If you make stupid decisions then good lord above don’t act all huffy, puffy when it blows up.

Responsibility

I’m not sure why Mr. Prentice and his colleagues haven’t figured this out yet. We as Albertans are facing a massive deficit with skyrocketing expenses. We as individuals deal with this everyday and sit down at our tables and make the tough family decisions. This is no different. We identify a few major expenses and either eliminate them or strategize to minimize them. This isn’t rocket science. Let’s just look at three major areas of bleeding.

1). Health Care

Lets just pick one area to start with. Emergency Room abuse. This one is so easy it’s laughable. When you go to an Emergency Room you are issued an Outpatient Form. We could just add to the bottom of this form, one question for the physician to check mark. Was an Emergency Room visit required, Yes or No. If the answer is No, then that individual would be charged an agreed upon fee, let’s say $500 for arguement sake. The next time they come into Emergency, if their form comes up unpaid balance, well then I guess it sucks to be them. Health Link, use it, Walk in Clinic, use it. Start Taking Responsibility!

2). Public Education System

Again so simple. The operative word here is “Public.” This is not a system in place for Johnny or Jane, this is a system in place funded by the public for the public. If your child is not behaving or you are a parent who is a pain in the ass, the Principal simply calls you in and says “bye bye.” Take your child home and know that you have all kinds of options, Home Schooling, Private Schools where you pay dearly for them to up with your crap. This solves two problems or expenses in one sweep as it will clear out the classrooms of the disruptions and allow the teachers to teach the kids who have been clearly taught that education is a privilege and not a right. If parents start getting calls to come and their kids and all of the sudden their children become their problem and not the general publics, we might have this solved in year one. Take Responsibility.

3). The Judicial System

Now this one is a bit more complicated to dent but let’s start with one aspect and see where that gets us. Why Oh Why, my good Lord Why are we paying to house and feed people who have committed crimes against us. This makes no sense to me. Let’s take the category of “Drug Related Crimes.” Just that one for now. If you have a drug issue, it is your issue and not mine. You need to be accountable and removed from causing harm to the rest of us, absolutely. We should not have to worry about you walking the streets, stealing or running in your little punk ass gangs. I would love to pay my fair share to fund a Detention Center for druggies who are forced to do all kinds of manual labor, planting trees, cleaning highways, cleaning parks etc. until they are so freaking tired at night that they don’t have the energy to cause our enforcement personnel any trouble. You want to get yourself into a pickle and get into that kind of lifestyle and it ends up at a criminal level, then grab a shovel pal because that will be your life for more than a couple of years. The first idiot or parent that cries out, “They have a disease or special issue needing love and compassion,” can also grab a shovel until they figure out, this is not the publics problem! If you’re such a bleeding heart then take them to your house and monitor them twenty four hours a day and ensure the safety of the rest of us. Take Responsibility!
I am not naive enough to think that all of our problems can be solved in one day or one year but starting some real action plan, as we do in our own homes, is at least something. I can hear my Dads voice in my head saying, “You may not be doing the absolute perfect thing, but at least do something.” Take Responsibility.