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Just a Thought

I think we have already established that my mind works differently than most people. When there is a very stressful or serious situation my mind always go to the extreme and then twists and turns it into something funny so I can cope with it easier. Makes a situation more palatable if you will.

So a couple of things I’ve read and heard of as of late got me to sitting with a coffee and contemplating why things have changed so dramatically and reminiscing about what I think of as the “Good Old Days.”

I don’t know where you all went to High School but I was trying to envision a school shooting at my High School. Now keep in mind this was in the “70’s and a totally different time. At my school there were always people milling about, probably smoking either in the bathroom or by their vehicle.  Then there were other people sort of tucked away, a little less obvious, nevertheless still in sight smoking something a little stronger than tobacco. My point is a guy walking into the school with a gun is going to get noticed. The obvious response is that this guy is not in his right mind and/or completely high.

Here is where my brain goes. How crazed or stoned does one have to be to walk into a High School of a 100 plus teenage boys fuelled with testosterone, who think dropping the gloves, so to speak, is entertainment, have gun racks with guns in their trucks a few feet away and a box of beer behind the seat, that may or may not have already been dipped into? I’m thinking this guy better be heading towards the Home Economics room. Then I thought, that would be worse, a very dangerous idea as some of these girls don’t have a date for the dance yet and any male that walks into that room may walk in packing some fire but the girls are going to be all over him. That poor bugger is going to need the gun to shoot his way OUT not IN.

I don’t know the answer and I don’t know when exactly the fear factor got reversed. Should the one guy not be terrified of the reaction of the masses? It seems, no. The masses are afraid of the one guy. Hmmmmm, just seems weird to me.



Moving Forward

We are on the countdown to an election here in our town. If any of you are like me and didn’t brave the weather to go out to the candidates forum, you can watch it on the Stettler Public Library’s Facebook Page. Excellent!

Some good topics were touched on and as always got me to thinking. Seniors Housing was a direction to note as having explored this for my parents in the not so distant past, struck a chord with me. Given my age it’s never too soon to be looking ahead. But I digress. I’m a little less about where we have been and a little more for where we are going. I think we can all agree that at minimum to maintain and better yet to grow our community we need to attract people. Young people and families. Now you can slice and dice this any way you like but the only answer is courting new businesses to town. Cutting companies a deal to relocate to Stettler is not only forward thinking but a win for all the existing businesses in town presently. I don’t think we need a feasibility study we need a salesman. These companies are not going to land in our laps. We need somebody aggressively getting the word out that Stettler is alive and anxious to do business. So what if they don’t pay taxes for a year or two, their 40 employees will. Their employees will buy groceries, clothes and eat out. I have a very simple philosophy. If you want something to happen, make it as attractive and simple as possible. If you attract business, you attract people, those people spend money and grow the community…….and guess what, you have a stronger tax base to pay for Senior Housing.

From a Loving Heart to Deaf Ears

I was an average child born into an average family in an average place. Were we perfect? No! We were a family, growing, evolving and learning. Our journey had mistakes but we also had great blessings. This is not a story about reliving what has been but rather an account of where I am now.

I am ill.

I am a woman who has become lost.  A woman whose mind has fantasized my way to a place of great anger and blame in the throngs of illness personal insight is lost and a victim position grows and develops. Facts turn gray and my delusions evolve into my new reality. God help us all, I believe in the darkness with all my being. This is not a new phenomena as it has become far less painful and easier to live and believe in my new thoughts than to muster the insight to self examine. The lack of capacity to reach out… know that I am sinking, I’m distorted, I’m panicking, making bad decisions, raging, alienating, self harming, obsessing…..drowning.

This is not the saddest part of my story. The saddest part is the enablers. The people who don’t love me enough to see the distress. Don’t love me and know me enough to see the downward spiral. Don’t look past the lies and the mania and my outrageous behavior to dig down to the truth no matter how painful it may be. They refuse to examine the reality and differentiate between truth and the delusions. Maybe it scares them. My enablers, unknowingly perhaps, promote and support the illness. They fuel and encourage the anger. Do they not care enough to see me? See me struggle. To see requires energy, self examination, hard choices and personal inconvenience. To see requires searching through the fabrications, asking uncomfortable questions and holding me accountable. To impose rules of conduct and consequences. To stick to these standards through the anger and the criticism. Some find it easier to appease me avoiding conflict and just support my irrational positions.  Maybe they can go home and feel better about themselves. Less screwed up than me. Maybe they can feel, if only for a few minutes, that they parented better than my parents.

If my illness could write a letter, it would read as follows.

To those who truly love me,

Call me out on my bullshit. Love me enough to let me hit bottom. Don’t love me from a place of guilt but from a place of strength. Be strong enough to say NO. Strong enough to say, UNACCEPTABLE. Strong enough to say, I will NOT enable you for 1 day, 1 dollar or 1 more excuse. Love me enough not to feed my delusions or fear my reactions. Love me enough not to validate my darkness. Love me enough not to approve of my behavior. Love me enough to say, it ends today and my Lord above, mean it! For on that day when I can no longer find anybody to help me live in my fantasy, nobody to fuel the madness, nobody to ease the pressure, nobody to handle my responsibilities…..Maybe, just maybe, I will be forced to seek help.



What Can I Do Today To Make Your Life Better?

I think, like most people, I get up each morning to try and make someone else’s life better. Ease a burden or put a smile on someone’s face. So forgive me if I don’t understand Mrs. Notley’s thought process. I clearly understand that the world’s oil crisis is not of her making. What I can’t seem to wrap my head around is her ambivalence to the severity of her neighbors suffering. Whether we are for her or against her, the point remains she represents us. It is her job and moral obligation to ease the burden of her people, the Alberta people. It is her job to get up every morning and deal with the harsh realities of how to take this horrendous situation and do everything in her power to lighten the load. She asked for the job, she ran a campaign for the job and she got the job so I have no sympathy for the tough role she finds herself in.  Somehow Saskatchewan is holding their own. Wouldn’t we want to take at very close look at that leadership? What could we be listening and learning from them?

Dramatic changes are sometimes necessary, but timing is everything. If your house is burning down it may not be the best time to worry about dirty dishes in your kitchen sink. What I am trying to relay is take your biggest problem and deal with or at least mitigate that. We all do this in our personal lives daily. If you don’t have the money to buy a loaf of bread it’s probably not the best day to go shopping for a new blouse. Common Sense. Rachel, sweetheart, our house is burning down and many can’t buy bread. Ideas you may have, ideologies you may hold dear, may or may not be a step in a good direction but now is not the time.

There has been a lot of attention to politicians being bullied. I certainly don’t condone bad behavior but can you not feel the extreme frustration. There is nothing worse for a person than the feeling of not being heard, not feeling that the powers that be are fighting tooth and nail for today’s biggest issues. Just a thought but talk to the big boys in Calgary and ask one question, “What can I do today to help?” Then do that. It’s a start.

Before I Die You Need To Know

You matter! You’ve always mattered! You have always inspired me to be a better person. A thoughtful and accepting person. You have one of the most generous spirits walking this earth. You have taught me to accept nothing less than decency from people.

When you are quiet, you’re not disinterested, you’re listening, you’re learning or you’re looking for insight.

Your humor, oh, your humor is so unique, so raw, so honest and oh so refreshing. Seeing humor in ourselves and everyday stuff is so joyful. For you, humor is not something you seek but rather a state of mind. Your wit and perspective is an absolute delight.

You taught me to cherish our heritage as we are the culmination of all the souls that came before us. Their lessons and experiences are why we are who we are. You honor that fact.

You believe everything in life is good. It’s either pure goodness, a lesson or a reason to do things differently.

Fun! We’re suppose to have fun. It’s actually one of the few jobs we HAVE to do.

You epitomize living an honest, real life. Living with integrity equals living with few regrets.

You see the love of your family and friends as a privilege, not a given. You embrace and find pleasure in this fact.

To be in your life is equally such a privilege. The only requirement is to sit back, relax, enjoy the moments and maybe, just maybe, I’ll come away with a better understanding of being an honorable person.

With all of that, I know we’ll have fun, always so much fun!






Hi Mom

Hi Mom, it’s me. I’m not reaching out to tell you what is going on, because I believe you know. I just want to share. Mom, I’m scared. I need your insight with that ability to cal…

Source: Hi Mom

Hi Mom

Hi Mom, it’s me. I’m not reaching out to tell you what is going on, because I believe you know. I just want to share.

Mom, I’m scared. I need your insight with that ability to calmly reason. Life used to be so busy, days planned and full. Lines so straight and now they’re maniacally criss-crossed. I think we can agree I’ve never transitioned well. None of us do. We make a plan and we see it through. Asking why, seems to be a waste of time, what I really need to know is where to go. What are the determining factors as to when to take the bull by the horns, to trust or just to breathe?  Would we be better off if the whole plan was laid out before us, or is the unknown the point, the purpose of the journey? A crystal ball would be nice.

Mom, I’m blessed. I have you to thank for that. You made sure I was strong, held me accountable. As structured of a life as you enforced it was tempered with the need to enjoy the ride. Quick question, where’s the line?

Mom, there was a day, not so long ago I was angry with you as I felt you put so much emphasis on success you neglected to teach how to deal with adversity. It took me awhile but I get it now. You treat them the same. You move forward with intelligent decisions, grace and determination.

Mom, I want passion. I want excitement. I want health and happiness. I want to be kind.

Mom, I should probably just go ahead and do that. Good talk. Thanks.